My worst fear has been realized. I could never imagine him growing old but at the same time I could never imagine the world without him. I prayed that the Lord would take me before him so that I would never have to face this day. This man who has impacted my life in a way that only few can understand, a man who I never met yet loved with all of my heart and soul, is gone. A man that taught us what true love really is, what innocence means, compassion and magic. Even now, 3 weeks to the day, these words don't register like they should...remembered, memory, legacy, these words just do NOT fit in the same sentence as his name. I wake up now with a little more realization, not normality because the world will NEVER be normal again. Perhaps it is finally beginning to hit me that he's gone. That magic is gone forever.
Everyday is a struggle, went on a ride today, was feeling good and then was hit by waves of sadness which I tried to surpress with sprints of anger. Each day I run into people wanting to know details of my experiences, 'what was it like', 'how did you get there?' and I feel guarded. You criticized me, laughed, and now you find it fascinating? I see through it so, thanks but no thank you. We were a family, and only my family understands just how much my heart is bleeding now. Perhaps its our turn now, for his was bleeding for so long.
I wake up now, and have that feeling now that perhaps I can move on. Sean calls, after speaking and catching up with each other's lives...silence. "I know, its so weird that he's not here anymore. Hard to accept." The hardest thing in my life so far. Perhaps because he wasn't just family to us, he was the essence of my childhood, my inspiration for so many different things in my life. I want to be selfish and rewind the clock to bring him back. He was making his comeback, so excited about the future, London, Shanghai, Los Angeles, Sydney, so many possibilities, the sky was the limit once again. God needed him more I guess. So many stories are coming out, none of which I care to hear. "He was a 'hit' Rebecca, I feel it in my gut, someone wanted him dead." It doesn't matter, it won't bring him back I say. "It was since the trial, they weren't going to stop until it was complete." A life cut so short, I want to remember him for showing me the person I could become. For motivating me to fight, to keep the faith, to know that I wasn't alone.
Trying to move on, everyday is a struggle. I'm sure its better on the other side, but now we're left alone we roam around now like lost children. Our magic has gone. God help us, God be with us, lead us to where we go from here. He was Your 'instrument of nature', blessed with so many gifts, to bring the world together. The fans and Michael, we were family. Lord help us understand, why you had to take our angel from us.
There is not a time in my memory when I did not know who this man was. My first memories are filled with watching him on the screen, moonwalking across that stage at the Shrine so many years ago. When the world discovered he wasn't some over grown child star, but rather a diamond in the rough that was about to shoot out of this atmosphere. A talent that no one had ever seen and would never see again. I am so thankful, and proud that I was alive to see him shine so bright.
I have always been a fan, but it wasn't until the early 90s that I became involved within this wide community that I now call my family. The internet was just coming into play as the possibilities seemed endless as to what we could do, who we could meet, what could be organized. Meeting Cas and so many others, then Donna and organizing the Fanatics, going to the countless MJ Days. Our fan club were the first fan club to ever be personally invited to the ranch by him. "yes! You MUST come, I want you to see EVERYTHING!" he told us. We were treated to a full day at the ranch, and for the first time ever, a full tour of the main residence. I will NEVER forget that first trip as it was the most magical and special day in all my life. After that first trip in 2000, he invited us back each year, sometimes more than once a year, until the trial in 2003. I still remember sitting on the side of the pond after the arraignment in Jan 2004. There were media helicoptors hovering over head and you could just feel the negative energy, all that wonderful magic and sense that you were truly in another place, was sadly gone. It made me soo sad for him. Although I wished it had never been, I completely understand why he never wanted to return to Neverland and ultimately left it for good. It made my heart hurt so much for him because that place, it was who he was, it was the essence of him. Our bond grew so strong through those years, the fans and Michael - with every new lie that surfaced that threatened to bring him down, we fought even harder and each time we came out triumphant. We suffered right along next to him, even if he was the man who had to be the target, we all tried our best to protect him from the brunt of all the evil and anger that tried to break him. We loved him like no other.
And now he is among the Heavens, as we are left here to find our way. I'm so sorry Michael, I'm so sorry for what the world did to you. I chose not to go to London when I heard, I was trying to be responsible for once in my life, trying to finally finish school. "I'll see him when he comes to the States, he MUST come to LA or NY, he simply has to!" Who knew our time was running out? I could have gone to see you in February, I was there for a bike race. Spending an evening at the Hitching Post journalists ask me, "Are you from here? You seem to know your way around this town pretty well." No, I used to visit often, I tell them...I stop by the Ranch one last time on the way out. "THIS IS NOT NEVERLAND ANYMORE, keep moving!" the guard yells. "Yes," I say..."you don't have to tell me, a Neverland guard would NEVER talk to me like that, besides I can see all the video cameras and the 'mailbox' that is gone now." I leave for what I think is the last time I'll ever stop by this gate. I drive back to LA, and don't even think to stop by Beverly Hills to see by some wild chance you're home. I feel like I abandoned you, but I know I never did in my heart, I simply was distracted but I miss you so much, and will always love you so much more than you'll ever know. You are among the Heavens now yes, and we cannot touch you or see you physically anymore that's true but we will NEVER let your magic die, you will reign forever in our hearts, and souls. We will do our best to spread your magic and love to the all the lost children, and among ourselves. Thank you, Michael, thank you sooo much for giving so much of yourself, even if the world took soo much from you. I pray you are at peace now. I love you forever more!
